Saturday, December 8, 2007

Makin' music

I have an extremely talented family. Most of them are creative in some way.  I however, didn't get one gene that I would like to have had. That is the music gene. I can appreciate music. When it comes to playing it, I am as motivated as Bush is to start packing. 

Playing a musical instrument is like learning a new language, with your fingers. So it's kind of like sign language but people actually care about it. What? It's not like it isn't true.  You may think that because I can't learn a musical instrument that I am bad at fingering. I can assure you that I am not. I am actually very good at fingering. Very good...... Seriously........ Good.

If only the guitar or the piano were like a vagina. I would be the Ray Charles of vag-iano. Because I would do it in the dark. No but seriously I'm really good at fingering. 

Friday, December 7, 2007

Having oldness

I turned 29 a couple of weeks ago. Never before have I been made so aware of my age as I have recently. It's the little things that have presented the tell tale signs. My sudden deep interest in grocery store savings. The little yellow Kroger tags are like my own personal sherpa of mercantilism. I am obsessed with my utility bill and Angela Lansbury is starting to become much more appealing.

Maybe it's not that I'm getting old, but maybe it's just that I'm a cheap bastard with a penchant for sassy octogenarians. That would explain all those pubescent "private times" that happened to coincide with Golden Girls reruns.

I know I'm getting old. I know this because I was eating lunch the other day and I ordered a beer. When I was asked for my i.d. I made the statement that is nothing short of obligatory for any 30 or 40 something total douche that hasn't been carded in a couple of years. I did the whole, "Well thank you." thing. God I am such an asshole! The worst part is the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I had no choice in the matter. It came out as natural as an immediate "no" when asked at the age of 21 whether or not you will ever say "well thank you" to a server who just carded you.

I am here to tell you youngins. It will eventually happen to you. You too will become a total douche and there is nothing you can do about it. Merry Fuggin' Christmas, now help me out to my car with my bags won't you?