Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Drunken Man at Corporate Holiday Party, "Totally meant to do that"

AP - New York, NY

At this year's Holiday Party for Freedom Mutual Insurance, Programmer, Jon McDonald “totally meant to” knock over Carolyn from Accounting’s wine, “as a punk” and definitely not because he had too many Gunslinger Whiskeys on the company tab that evening.

At 8:36pm EST, Jon decided it would be "hilarious" to act like he was going to punch fellow Programmer, Chris DeSoto, after DeSoto claimed that McDonald’s Powerpoint presentation from earlier that day was, “all fucked up.”

When Jon took his “fake” and “hilarious” swing at DeSoto, he “purposefully” knocked over the wine of fellow employee Carolyn Phillips, effectively staining her new Freedom Mutual hoodie that she won at the company’s holiday raffle-thon, at lunch earlier that day.

When asked to comment, Jon said, “I just thought it would be funny. Chris made fun of my presentation, so I decided I had to get him back. I guess I acted inappropriately. And for that, my twitter feed says I should apologize.”

“It just came off as a desperate grab for attention” said Carolyn Phillips, the victim of the “hilarious” dousing. Phillips has worked for the company for 6 years and, "usually dreads every day" that she shows up for work in the Accounting department for the company.

The backlash of Jon’s actions wasn’t fully realized until the next day when the HR Department, after receiving absolutely no complaints, thought it was time to step in and contain the incident. “We’ve taken extensive measures to make sure that, going forward, nobody enjoys themselves at a Holiday Party ever again,” said Pam Rivera from Human Resources.

After reaching out to a few of Jon’s colleagues it became clear that most people at the party were too drunk to accurately recall, “what had happened was.” The only semi-accurate account came from Devon Crawley from the Actuarial department.

Crawley said, “What had happened was, this one dude got all drunk, yelled at this other nerd and punched at him, but he missed and only got this one chick’s shirt all wet.” Crawley went on to say, “That shit was hilarious at the time, until the next day when we all got pulled into a meeting that was all about sensual harassment, or some shit. All I can say is, sensual harassment?...More like sensual her-ass-man! Am I right?!” At the time of printing, Crawley had been replaced by a computer algorithm.

Given the current socio-political climate, and in an effort to be more inclusive of all Freedom Mutual Insurance’s employees and their beliefs, the company has introduced a new initiative that will replace next year’s traditional Christmas party with the first ever, and more sober, “Muslim Christmas Party.”